Lately I have wondered why God chose to
send me to Madagascar. I know it was His will and I feel He made my
path very clear. But when I am struggling to create a ESL lesson
plan, fumbling my way through a class, or sitting on my couch on a
days I have nothing planned, I just feel so useless and wonder what
difference, if any, my being here is making in these peoples
lives.
I read other missionary's blogs and see
all the amazing things they are doing and I feel so inadequate. Which
is partially why I have not been blogging recently. Feeling as though
I had nothing noteworthy to share. I know that is just my pride
flaring up and throwing a major pity party. The party usually goes
something like this...”I am such a loser missionary ...if there was
a prize for worst missionary they'd be pinning the blue ribbon on me”
or I offer up excuses “If I was in a country where they spoke more
English I would be doing so many great things” or “if only my
assignment wasn't teaching then I would be excelling more”. You get
the idea. I know that sounds pretty pathetic...but sin is rarely
never pretty.
The feeling of 'why am I here' has been
intensified this last month or so by all the things that make life
here difficult. Missing my family, missing regular fellowship with
believers, being harassed constantly on the streets, things that
should be simple made unnecessarily complex.
However I was skyping with my dad the
other day (who btw is awesome!) telling him about some of my
struggles etc and he said (paraphrasing John Piper) “Don't waste
your Madagascar”. Wow... I love that. So simple but so good. He
went on to say that God is not limited by my situation, lack of
fellowship etc, and if I am faithful to seek His face He can and will
fill me and uplift me. And on that same train of thought, God is not
shocked by my lack of teaching skill, He knew that before sending me
here. It is incredibly encouraging and empowering knowing that God,
knowing all my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses, my tendencies etc, decided that Madagascar 2012 was the best place for me to be. He
wants me here. He wants to use me. He wants to teach me things. He wants to reveal more
of himself to me. And I think these last two months I have been
missing out because I have been so focused on ME. How I was doing,
what I was doing, what I wanted etc.
So whats the plan going forward? I'm
taking my cue from The Avengers. “We need a plan of attack...”
“I have a
plan...attack!!”
So thats the plan. I am going to bury myself in the word. Listen to sermons, podcasts etc.Cry out to God for wisdom and guidance. I am going throw myself at God's feet and see where He takes me. Maybe this year isn't about changing the world. Maybe it's about learning to treasure and trust God above all else. Maybe if I stop concentrating on all the ways I fall short here, God will end up using me in ways I never imagined.
You may be thinking...hmmmm this sounds familiar...where have I read something like this before...oh yea two blog posts ago. What can I say? I did my best....which was precisely the problem. I tried to fix everything and put my sin to death etc on my on power. So this time I am relying on God to change and mold me. Which is harder than it sounds. Change requires action, but action without changing power from God is futile. The legalist in me so badly wants there to be a way for me to solve it all on my own. But I have proved over and again that that is not happening anytime
soon ever. So I have to activley pursue change, whilst relying totally and fully on Jesus Christ. I don't have it all figured out but one thing I do know is that by God's grace... I am not "going to waste my Madagascar"!
